I like to think it a success when the cops are called
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
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your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
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Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.