The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT