great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.