I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
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The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
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In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone