My pussy is not your playground.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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