If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
