Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
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We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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