Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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