i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
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I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
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My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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