When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
