I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
