When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
