she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
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so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
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I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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