i just wanna soil my oats bro
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
