I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Your mouth is God's brothel.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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