How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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