I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
