Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
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ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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