hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
