i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I wish there were birth control emojis
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
