You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
im calling her cock vulture from now on
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.