when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.