You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
she peed on how many people?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
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Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
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