Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
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Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
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He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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