I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
