I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
