Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
