I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
