I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
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Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
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You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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