fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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