any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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