I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
