I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
In other news, I just burned my penis
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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