he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this must be what syphilis tastes like
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize