my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
