Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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