i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize