I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
It's Friday. Sex?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
