I'm lost and stupid without you.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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