So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
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I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
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I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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