Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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