Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My ass is underappreciated
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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