This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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