I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
