I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
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