Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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