I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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