she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
