you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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