I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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