it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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