my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Let's get the cat blown out
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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