Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
